No Way!

I'm stuck at work. I'm the new kid and I can't take vacation yet. I feel like a caged animal. I get spring fever and Christmas fever worse than any little kid I know. So.... I decided I was going to try to figure out a way to get out of here. I don't look sick or have a cough so I can't use the flu and the stomach bug just sounds fake.

Epiphany- I can fake a seizure. They will surely let me go home then and it can't be that hard- right? "Drink your juice, Shelby!" (shout out to Costa, Amanda, Mary Brooks, Neil and Anne Miller)

So, I googled it. And low and behold there are actually instructions. No Way!

I just can't help but share. Don't worry- I would never really do this. Watch now I'm going to be the girl that cried wolf.

1. Pick your mark- You need to pick someone who will start screaming and cause a big scene. (Jeff, aka Harvard Boy, I have to say- you would be my mark)

2. Set the Stage- You need to make direct eye contact with the person. Nod your head, smile, let them know you are doing great. Then take a huge breath because you are going to need to hold your breath.

3.Initiate and full out seizure- Before a seizure hits there is a period of headache and hyperventilation- most people don't know this. But, the easiest thing to do is to shorten these into 2 second intervals. Clutch your chest and roll your eyes back. Go to take a step, let your knees give out and your head bounce off the floor. Immediately initiate convulsions. To do this and look real use your stomach muscles as the main convulsion.
(Good thing I've been taking those Gravity classes- my abs are getting strong.)
Let your legs kick out and then fold back into the fetal position. Use your arms to swing at anyone who gets in your way and if you can fake tears- it always helps. The selling point is your face and its reactions. If you don't have the face. No one will buy it. My advice is to pretend like you just saw your great grandmother naked and she has stabbed you with one of your cats. Put your tongue in the back of your mouth, grit your teeth and grind. Spit as much as possible through your teeth breathing through your mouth. Keep this up for a solid twenty seconds or so and then with a final swing stop in the fetal position face down.

4. The Finale-In the end you will have a lot of horrified people. They will either have ran out of the room screaming or they will be trying to help you.

WOW! I mean I was just thinking about chewing up some alka seltzer and falling down.